I'm half unstoppable force on my dad's side and half immovable object on my mom's side

Them: AI is taking over the world. My Phone: Hey man, I tried to update last night. Not sure what happened. Failed again. Sorry. Maybe tomorrow. Kinda tired now so who knows.

and for the lady…. perhaps a gun?

This is still twitter btw I refuse to call it by its stripper name

Is he suicidal

do you think the minions get racist about who has two eyes vs one?

me when i mess up: u stupid bitch u just ruined ur entire life everyone hates u u can't do anything right ever me when i succeed: okay

oh man!!! the world is teeming with evil!!!!!! and i am overcome with rage every moment of every day, haha!!!!!!

Liquor? Ya, if she’ll let me

Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer.. Yes, that food may be colder but it still deserves to be seen

Cause I’m too wuthering, then I’m too fucking heights

Sometimes I think I don't have ADHD and then I catch myself looking at a map of Malta when I'm supposed to be sending emails

i was 7 years old going to work!

unfortunately, i don't need to be drunk in order to send insane text messages

Opening the microwave door one second early because you don't need all that hooting and hollering.

till my avoidant personality do us apart