Everybody Wang Chung tonight!

I am selling my wealthy idea for Kombucha Icees. I will give u a rly good deal I just want u to do the inventing for me. My role starts & ends w/ connecting icee corp and health aid or whoever. Get me?

hun how come when i went into the kitchen this morning there was glass everywhere and lids super glued to the underside of all our cabinets

today i leaned over a cup of water and my airpod fell in. THen i thought the only way to get it out was to drink the water and now i'm electrocuted. Can't a girl catch a break

If u can watch your partner eating a chocolate croissant w their fingers and not be embarrassed that’s how u know it’s real. Me I’m sitting alone in the cafe but now everyone around me wants to have sex 😟

attn: BeReal. isn't enough my app is called 'too real' it secretly films you all day long then a bot (me) determines the most disgusting thing u did all day & posts pics of that. only then will we be cleansed

We worked for 5 years to make 100 episodes of animation. We worked late into the night, we let ourselves go, we were a family of hard working artists who wanted to make something beautiful, and HBO MAX just pulled them all like we were nothing. Animation is not nothing!

my illustrations!!

guys w girlfriends always feel the need to say it all the time like "oh yeah i saw that movie with MY GIRLFrIEND last week" meanwhile my boyfriend is POTUS & ive never even told anyone

New Saw idea: person hooked up to headphones playing endless back 2 back ads for exciting new podcasts. There is a 30 sec skip button but every tap drives a big drill .25 inch further into ur skull

trying to be mature and finish the rest of my soup raw without getting up and asking for a third big piece of bread. choking it down. it's not that the soup is bad per se. but imagine plain soup on a spoon

My talented friend (brag) Quinn Scott wrote this funny and sweet comic about Paul Simon (new album out now, I learned from Quinn)

what could possibly be more interesting than the things I personally am interested in? Why do people even bother with other? im confused :(

Wrote this with Quinn Scott who also beautifully and psychotically illustrated it!!! newyorker.com/humor/daily-sh…

"Anal sex? my husband is lucky if he gets ANNUAL sex!" - funny thing to say I came up with for a t-shirt or something. not sure how to make a tshirt but looking into taking a class. do NOT even THINK of stealing. im sleeping w NUMEROUS evil lawyers

missing the days when 'apple stores' actually SOLD APPLES

how come when boys are dogs it's sexy cool (ie "you DOG!!) but when girls are dogs it means ugly?? dog should always be a compliment smdh

attn: Ben & Jerry's marketing dept how about "Boy Meat Swirled" ?? is that so wrong???

I'm a textbook golddigger!! I moved to LA *EXCLUSIVELY* to kiss celebrities, specifically rich ones! Pucker 👏 Up 👏