Me: I wanna buy some weed Dealer: how much? Me: oh man, I wanna buy it SO BAD

how did they mess up the superbowl halftime show #halftimeshow

📍any problems in my life | | __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ | 📍healthy coping | methods | __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ | | | 📍 blaming my great great grandfather for not carrying madame zeroni up the mountain

me: i've finally conquered my fear of ghosts therapist: that's the spirit me: oh fuck where

therapy: -expensive -boring -intimidating saying “bada bing bada boom” in a bad italian accent: -free -sounds badass -fun

In my 3 days on Tik Tok, I have found the greatest video on the internet🤩

marine biologist: what should we call it boss: sperm whale marine biologist: um something else boss: jizz dolphin marine biologist: sperm whale’s good

I’m going give someone random who retweets this tweet $10,000 because it’s my birthday and I feel like being nice ☺️ (you have to be following me so I can dm you the code if you win)

Her: I don't even know what the cloning machine does Me: Well that makes two of us

me: [tied to a chair] i'll never talk terrorist: we're gonna make you step in wet me: what terrorist: with sock me: no

[first reading of the constitution] James Madison: we— Ben Franklin: who the fuck is "we" James Madison: motherfucker I'm getting there

after living in the usa for a year here are my thoughts 1. too many flags. many of them are too big also. please calm down 2. the beer is bad. I am begging you, as a nation, to let go of ipa's 3. many dogs here wear clothes. this is very nice

Who needs removal when you can just trample over Robert Taylor🔥

First try at Burn in Legacy after being banished from Modern. Felt nice to bolt face again. Robert Taylor🔥

Massive shoutout to Arch for coaching and help in tuning the deck. I've seen almost immediate results. Robert Taylor🔥 pls help me

Locked in top4 in the vintage chal on my birthday. Feels good! cc: Robert Taylor🔥 ur my hero

Locked in the invite to Minneapolis yesterday on zero reps. Deck is strong, played bad and won anyways. Robert Taylor🔥

The trick to trophying is having mtgo crash while your opponents clock is running. Easy win after not playing for months. Robert Taylor🔥