Thinking of going full text only Twitter puritan, blocking and reporting anyone who posts an image or video, contacting their employer if they accompany it with a wry comment.

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To my mind one of the finest documentaries ever made

Well then youtu.be/wd8YEV4F2Lo?si…

youtu.be/Vgq5OjVTJRs?si…

I have an idea for a bot called the fucking hell lads bot. Any time anyone responds to anyone else's post it automatically interrupts with "fucking hell lads"

Reminded for some reason of that time Werner Herzog got shot in the middle of an interview and shrugged it off youtu.be/HrRNM9cMBDk?si…

Alan Shearer has the tone of a man terrified of wasps who is phoning a loved one to explain he is trapped in a car with a wasp but he only has 2% battery left and it is going to voicemail

Saw someone wearing a T-shirt that just said 'Oat Milk' a week ago and I am still struggling to decode it.

We need to talk about the failure of successive governments to destroy Stonehenge

Top Tip: Put anyone who posts an A levels tweet on a list to create your own informal and light hearted sex offenders register.

I am now aware of the mistake I have made here, please stop adding me to your lists/registers

Our friends 4 year old son has just said 'young man' in the exact manner of Mike Yarwood's Brian Clough impression, leaving me considering the possibility that Mike Yarwood's Brian Clough impression actually occurred naturally, and just found a host in Mike Yarwood.

American Movie (1999), American Beauty (1999), American Sniper (2014)

Just rawdogged a teaspoon of horseradish

Most people know me as a celebrity greengrocer but I am delighted to announce my debut novel, Murder Most Veg

Just tried to adjust my headphones while carrying a bag containing two pizzas and successfully smashed myself in the face with a bag containing two pizzas. Headphones still require some adjustment.