all my inside jokes for the coming year will be quotes from this article so plz read if you would like to continue communicating with me lamag.com/citythinkblog/…

Just joined Lapsed Christian Mingle — it’s been great! They match you with someone you don’t like and then your mother calls and guilts you into dating them

@papapaintvids "Baby's first subtweet" would absolutely get him going viral again

I can tell my 30s are near because I'm beginning to look fondly upon my time as a college acapella groupie

Weird that ppl say "I'm only human" only when they do a bad thing or if they're the one survivor of a space shuttle crash on an alien planet

New Game of Thrones & aftershow! (it's when my dad calls & I retell the plot and where he's seen that 1 guy b4, you know, the 1 with the hair

I found her. #BeckyWithTheGoodHair

Jay Z is reportedly working on a response album to Lemonade, but album is a generous word for 60 minutes of off-mic sobbing

"If I was a sculptor...but then again, no" - Elton John, or a recovering kleptomaniac thinking about pulling off a heist at the clay factory

yes flying is cool but can we all agree that pooping on people mid-air is the far superior bird superpower

v disheartened to learn Chopt will "chop" your salad but not the hands of a customer who reached over the sneeze guard, even if u ask nicely

If u won't eat a food bc u can't spell all of its ingredients, then if u can't spell all the elements of air, you're not allowed to breathe

Keep Calm and OH SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHI

am now at an age that when I post a meme, it results in its decline in popularity

Spaces😎count😳towards😇the😚140☹️character💃limit!🍗Don't🍲waste🍳them!🏋Use🚌that🐣primo🏟real🔮estate🗿for📤MORE CONTENT✂️🏧©™

If October 4 is not #NationalCBRadioDay I'm giving up on these hashtag holidays forever

is bob dylan negging the nobel prize committee

New website coming soon? Or have I lost my mind tracking the Zodiac Killer? YOU BE THE JUDGE

DUBUHYA DUBUHYA DUBUHYA DOT notthatpeterandre.com

v excited for tonight's Westworld finale, where we discover that Arnold was inspired to create the park after doing the mannequin challenge