Abraham Lincoln originally wrote the Gettysburg Address on the back of a confederate prisoner of war with a saber dipped in puma's blood.

Horatio Alger is less well-known for his Roger Stayputt series, in which the hero rises from lower- to middle-class status in but 75 years.

Emil Erlenmeyer secretly loathed the flask that bears his name, but he never let on the entire time they worked together.

Heman Melville's original manuscript for Moby Dick was rejected by multiple publishers until a wise friend advised him to "ditch the ninja."

The megaliths at Stonehenge are made of taffy. Very old, very tough, inedible taffy, but taffy nonetheless. Those druids were wacky!

President Rutherford Birchard Hayes's parents named him by pointing at random words in the dictionary.

Martin Luther's 96th Thesis stated that the Pope was a big fathead.

For his 2nd rocket launch, Robert Goddard strapped a Felix the Cat doll to it and cackled when it took off and blew all to shit.

The Tunguska event was brought about by the introduction of a strain of mutant beets to the area's highly acidic soil. The rest is silence.

In 1820, East Indakota was admitted as the 23rd state. It was disqualified when photos of the young state showed up in a "art" magazine.

Otherwise uninspiring President Millard Fillmore installed the White House's first bathtub... FILLED WITH THE BLOOD OF VIRGINS!!!

Thomas Jefferson was a Renaissance Man, in that he dressed as a 15th century minstrel/juggler. John Adams often called him "President Spaz."

Woodrow Wilson was fond of playing the alpenhorn, which, strangely enough, made him a total bitch magnet.

It has yet to be determined which Founding Father impishly signed the Declaration of Independence as "Chuck U. Farley."

When Pres. Cleveland's opponents chanted ""Ma, Ma, where's my Pa?" he retorted: "And how IS your mater? Still servicing clap-ridden hobos?"

T.S. Eliot's flesh was cold to the touch, and scores of silverfish slithered beneath his skin, maintaining his unholy grip on the lifeforce.

Mark Twain always carried a sword cane, with which to repel frequent attacks by ninja, Thuggee assassins, and book reviewers.

Noah Webster is less well-known for writing the first edition of the Klingon-English dictionary as well.

J.D. Salinger is fond of streaking through public while wearing a Thomas Pynchon mask.

Jonathan Swift wrote a less well-known follow-up, "An Immodest Proposal," which began, "Seriously, we should all eat Irish babies."