It must’ve been so boring watching Babe Ruth without knowing the exit velocity of his hits

Helium tank karaoke. Be someone else for a song.

We gotta appreciate how strange windows must be to animals.

No way Casper has stayed friendly

“So what are you gonna call your Halloween movie, Mr. Carpenter?”

If Game 7 is still going on when daylight saving time ends they fall back an inning

Why not throw a couple silica gel packets in your coffin

Missed the Starbucks drop but I did manage to get a Ben Affleck cigarette straw Bearista from Dunkin’ Donuts

Super excited for the Peanuts X Lockheed Martin collab

Cracking a walnut should get you a black belt

All my life I’ve been enabling clicky gas pumps

There’s more than one way to skin a cat but there’s only one way to shear a sheep

Something to F your head up on Christmas… You can hate me later.

Oh no! We’re stuck on Richard Quest vision!

The NYE confetti is actually tootsie roll wrappers

Can’t wait to go to the US Mint tomorrow to get my first penny of the New Year as I do every New Year’s Day

My resolution is no more farting for me in 2026

Hope 2026 is off to a great start for the Taco Bell drive-thru AI

The Patriots going to the Super Bowl without Mac Jones just feels wrong

I’m not watching Free Bert because I want to be totally surprised by the forms of torture that await me in hell