I don’t like that canonically Aquaman is younger than me.

When your bestie is about to do something she’ll regret but it’s gonna be really funny

Hi please contact us. we're missing a bunch of these

I was flirting with this guy I met at a bar and told him he “gave off serial killer vibes but in a good way” and he wasn’t flattered? I don’t understand men.

Last January, I noticed something peculiar in my 2yo’s bedroom that - after a year of obsessive reporting - led me to a profound cosmic revelation about what’s even possible in our universe. A 🧵.

Jason Kelce arriving in Vegas for Super Bowl LVIII...

If Andre 3000 looked at me like that, they would have to cut the cameras

Fly me too close to the sun I have an idea.

Current emotional status: There is a group of witches in my small town who have accepted me into the group chat but haven’t invited me to any rituals.

This how you walk on the sand so you don’t alert the worms

People still “like” my viral tweet from 2018 and it just proves that fatass evil birds never die and I’m going to live forever.

The Bear but it’s set in a rainforest cafe

Me trying to get my dog riled up

A group of ducks in Portugal witnessed the meteor while on Twitch

TL dead but here’s a mood

In the movie The Beekeeper they say “The Beekeeper” 28 times and I know that b/c I watched it and counted.

Fuck bees.

I put on mosquito repellent and then immediately saw a mosquito get repelled. My therapist could never.

Them: Being single must be so lonely. Me: