Anybody who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have their head examined

I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs and every afternoon I break my arms. At night, I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.

I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions of billions of years before being born and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it

There’s always room for one more good one

If you don’t come to my funeral I ain’t comin to urs 💯

People who use the gym as a place to socialize confuse and frustrate me

A sign of age is the amount of keys you have on your key ring

I feel like being chased by someone with a lazy eye is similar to being chased by an alligator: just start zigzagging

Absolutely disgusted at the bar right now. Some nobodys just said they’d take a juice world concert over an avicii concert. I’m going to throw up

Lost a bet today. Why did I think someone wasn’t gonna bring up Detlef Schrempf today during a meeting? I’m an idiot

Subway mango and a bible reading session ain’t a half bad way to end a Tuesday

Why don’t bottom layer bed sheets have labels for which way the fit on the bed? Pisses me off

I drink so much coffee that my body is basically numb and words just flow out of me. It’s a strategy that’s really working for me

Bring shawty to Del Fino Square and she’s yours fa life

“I’ll see you tomorrow” is my favorite compliment

The dental hygienist is a mean lady

Sometimes, just for a split second, the subway feels like my sandstorm and I it’s Lisan al Gaib

Spreading the word of Amani Toomer like I’m a Jehovah Witness

Not many things better than eucher, 2 patties and a large pint of shack beer at Madison Square park on a UV 7 Saturday

Something about being sunburnt in a beach house kitchen making a sub par cold cut sandwich #bliss