I don’t like it when the security joins in. You’re there to stop someone decking the talent.

If I were Supertan I’d simply stay out of commenting on embarrassing behaviour at festivals

If you overlay a map of Glastonbury festival over a map of your town nobody gives a fuck.

What I ordered vs. What I got

I’m down for being karchered in the yard by any ladies of dubious morals. Must own a low tog duvet.

I’ve thought it was Wednesday all day.

Some friends in the village are away and they asked me to check everything was ok with the house. Keith and I walked around it on our evening walk. About 20 minutes later I thought ‘he’s being very quiet’. He’d stolen a tennis ball.

Diddy? Almost certainly.

Ooh, my bad padre. Please point me to the sign that says “No Doritos During Funeral Masses”

I think we say ‘jury of restricted growth’ these days.

It hasn’t been his day, his month or even his year!

£5 -Sandwich £10 - Doner kebab £20 - Fish and chips £50 - Curry

Mr Goned

Enjoy yourself if you’re in the Capital of the finest country on the planet watching 2 rascals croon.

I charge £1000 as a part-time Kylie look-a-like. Number of actual bookings, zero.

I’m saving the almond croissant crumbs in my chest hair for later.

Just woken up thinking it’s morning. FFS.