I'm watching Cocktail and these guys are such dweebs. Imagine ordering a drink and the bartender is like 'but first you have to watch our routine!' Shut up and make my Shirley Temple.

6-year-old said she was going to draw a picture and make me beautiful, then said “This is the best we can do.” So upsetting

Youth soccer is so awkward because a child will get hit in the face with a soccer ball and all the grown ups will collectively go “OOOOOH” and then wait and see what happens next

This is how kids eat breakfast

Family: eating a nice dinner together

8-year-old: “Do you guys want to have a roast battle?”

My daughter gasped in the grocery store checkout line and said “LOOK It’s real! I can’t believe it’s real!!” And it was this?

If you’re willing to take one big swig out of your water bottle at TSA, they should let you bring the rest of it on the plane.

Happy Friday to everyone except the guy to my left

People who say it’s safer to back into parking spaces have obviously never watched me back into a parking space

4-year-old taking a big bite of a hot dog: WHAT IS THIS, HORSE?

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

People who casually take 5-10 minutes buckling their kid into the car in the school pick up line: what anxiety medication are you on? It's obviously working.

So close, my worst nightmare is that a knife is going to fall down the garbage disposal and then when I turn it on, the knife shoots up and stabs me in the neck and I die.

The best part of my day is when my husband asks the dog if he wants to go for a walk, and the dog gallops into the room to tell me the good news.

Schools are like 'You think one spirit day is fun? imagine ONE THOUSAND spirit days...'

Some guys send flowers, some guys make their wife a Bobby Dalbec meme

I don’t know who needs to hear this but your kid does not need that teepee.

If I'd had kids in my 20s I might have had more energy but on the other hand I was so dumb.

Kids were talking about which super powers they wish they had and my son said he wishes he could imagine something and have it come true. I said, 'I can do that. I'm imagining I'm eating a sandwich,' and then took a bite of my sandwich. They are so annoyed with me.

Do you guys even understand that when JC Chasez was 16 he did a cover of Runaway Train on Mickey Mouse Club and it’s better than anything Justin Timberlake has ever released