You should check out this really expensive chair I just bought. It's in Section 6, row 20 at the stadium.

Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's P.T. Cruiser.

Dieting is just a matter of mind over platter.

Hardest thing to answer: Describe yourself.

I got the chips for my Super Bowl party. The dips should be arriving any minute.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. No need to remind him every 6 months about it.

I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.

If Lindsay Lohan does one more twelve-step program, she gets the next step for free.

Isn't it weird how men have vestigial nipples/feelings?

Short story using Religion, Sexuality and Mystery... "Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it."

Those who criticize our generation forgot who raised it.

On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?

I don't mind when someone writes "wash me" in the dirt on my car. It's when they shave it on the dog that really steams me.

I just found out my son's boyfriend is gay. :(

Before you open your mouth, make sure you have a mind to back up all the things you say.

People change, and often they become the person they said they will never be.

Just because I'm not talking, doesn't mean I'm in a bad mood. Sometimes I just like to be quiet.

"I'm cold" - a talking ice cube or a woman