I am becoming a breatharian, purely for financial reasons.

Finally, some good news.

I am not on speaking terms with David and Victoria Beckham. Please respect my privacy at this time.

Julia Reagan died? That’s terrible news! That old bitch owes me money!

Margot Robbie’s husband right now.

Now that Snoop Dogg has spent more time being a sellout than a gangsta, can we admit that if Tupac were still alive, he’d be one of “The Traitors” or a judge on “The Great British Bake Off”?

I keep seeing people say that barefoot or “minimal” shoes are the way to go, but their best argument is always a photo of a human foot that looks like it belongs to a pink gorilla. No thanks.

“This episode of ‘Bluey’ is called: ‘Mum’s Abortion’.”

This is incredible graphic design, because it implies that Hitler also had a dark side.

I would have just sat on Rosa Park’s lap!

Paul Mescal has the most 2026 haircut possible. Hollywood thinks we’re going to look at this man and believe than he’s from any other year before this. No way.

I don’t think I should be cancelled just because I sent Ghislaine Maxwell a couple of flirty emails last week.

A staggering amount of sent emails from Epstein to an address he clearly felt belonged to Ronald McDonald. “Come clown around on the island. Bring some of the female Fry Guys 😜.” He thought they were real?

I don’t agree with the concept of a Winter Special Olympics. They have enough going on without also being cold.

Imagine the nerve of someone born in Ireland, actually thinking that they are somehow more Irish an 8th-generation Bostonian.

There’s an eight-year age gap between me and my wife, but it’s okay, because I wasn’t flirting with her when I was eight and she was just born.

Present-day parents have to worry about their looksmaxxing teens being cortisol-spiked after a brutal frame-mogging. In my day, you got teased for showing up to school in a weird sweater.

Absolutely blasting this in the car each morning as I go to work.