My toxic trait is telling people I'm down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

This is how you do it folks

It must have felt so good to shove open the saloon doors hard af

May your parents live healthily in 2026 🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿🧿

I haven't exaggerated in like a million years.

Today I learned that pockets in dresses were phased out so women could prove they were not witches and carrying ill intentions and spells. This is why women love pockets in skirts and dresses now. We carry our spells and curses without purses and you won't see us coming.

what doesn’t kill you puts you on lorazepam

Calling all orcas....

The DMV: Did you bring your third grade report card?

Scrolled the timeline and it’s Gucci Mane kidnapped, Tiger Woods drunk as fuck in the back of a patrol car, and a government official’s husband with fake bimbo titties. It’s just too much.

Saw ICE officers at O’Hare and they were short and ugly.

THEN ARREST HIM. How many times are they going to say “there’s proof he raped kids” only to do nothing about it?

if women stay pure, who exactly are men gaining experience with?

The worst person you know 🤝🏽 turning to God when it's time to take accountability

Can’t believe I’ve lived far enough into the future to learn the first slur for robots

vx-underground mRr3b00t This is going to be such a confusing chapter in future history books.

ain’t no sober person writing a damn sonnet

People under 30 might not remember that we could go weeks without hearing from or thinking about the President of the United States.