My AI song on repeat = the perfect sandwich I made myself… but with infinite refills.

Broncos’ Pyrrhic playoff win (losing their QB) is basically me “winning” any argument with my wife.

I’m not indecisive, I’m just exploring the solution set.

Nothing motivates an iOS update like the phrase “extremely sophisticated attack,” which is also how I describe my Monday.

Like my phone, I tend to operate in “low power mode” just to make it through the day.

When I was young, I was terrified I’d turn into my dad. Now I’m worried I won’t.

I have a strong immune system. It fights joy on sight.

Can’t wait to see who Trump gets the CFP trophy from tonight.

CAPTCHA: Click All Possible Traffic Cones, Human (Allegedly)

You are never alone in the parking garage. A brackish, bone-bent banshee breathes beneath every blinking bulb.

Me: I need to be more mysterious. Also me: narrates everything that happens to me in my head like a true-crime podcast.

I tried to be a morning person this morning. The morning immediately filed a restraining order.

“Just be yourself,” they said. So I started apologizing to inanimate objects.

People think I’m calm, but inside I’m doing the PowerPoint transitions from 2006.

I miss when the biggest global crisis was deciding if an email needed a “Thanks!” or a “Thanks so much.”

The news cycle moves so fast that yesterday’s outrage already has nostalgia.

We used to have “once in a lifetime events.” Now we have punch cards.

Imagine hating me and I’m just here in the left lane going 5 miles under the speed limit slowly sucking on a cigarette while I listen to Conway Twitty living my best life.

Night asked me to stay. Dawn asked for payment.

According to my wife, I did nothing wrong. That is, I incorrectly did nothing.