Apparently height catfishing is a big problem but my fav story I heard is the girl was like your 5’11 you said in your profile you were over 6 foot, you lied and he goes you said In your profile you were laid back.

Always nice being invited somewhere and then even nicer immediately having a solid excuse to not go.

Turning 40 feels like someone has a vodoo doll of you for no reason your like ahhhh and your friend is like what ?! And you’re like ahhh my heel for NO reason.

I was eating alone and when I finished I realized my butt crack had been out the entire time so now I have to move.

Interesting energy, love to see it #standupcomedy #relationships #Texas

Kids say whatever

She was UPSET understandably #standupcomedy #marriage

Be cool everyone was the same age #standupcomedy #sexjoke #funny #jokes

It was my dad it’s fine . . . #funny #comedy #standupcomedy #humor

Salespeople are under appreciated. Like you walk in you get and empty compliment. That’s nice. “There he is.” And you’re like finally some acknowledgment.

I am bad at yoga but man If you’re bad at lifting weights, you still look cool. You look like you’re aspiring to something, it’s like every sports movie training montage. But being bad at yoga looks like I dropped something I really need and now I can’t get up.

Reading is fundamental but You know what would be a better slogan today is I don’t know enough about that to have an opinion.

I was hanging out with my younger cousins someone said somebody put some music on. I did and then everyone was upset like what is this and I had to explain Jazz and getting older.

I have adhd but I don’t take meds anymore bc I like figured it out.

The penguin had a finale last night which is also a sentence Batman would say.

The acting on Colin Farrell in the penguin is amazing but he can’t top Danny Devito eating a whole fish with flipper hands.

I got email today asking money for the Harris fight fund. Weird to pivot to UFC but I’m in.

I speak English at a normal volume but when I talk to my parents in Farsi (Dari) I’m so loud it sounds like I hate America.

I think Hitler might have fled to South Africa and started a family there or at least been cool to a kid on his block.

Trump sent a letter to Epstein, nice try Wall Street Journal release the list. Trump has Chronic venous insufficiency, nice try God. Release the list.