I had a band aid on my foot when I went to sleep. Woke up and it's gone. Logically I should check my sheets My brain: You know you ate that, right?

Prime day deals tailored for me include non-consumables I already bought from Amazon, solar panels for the roof of the apartment they know I live in, and women's clothing which I don't buy nor wear All this meta-data and you can't do better? Literally nothing from the wish list

Officially it's Election Day, and I really just hope both teams had fun! Also I hope the Republicans fucking lose.

What's that lotion you ladies use for a dry right elbow? I've tried spit. I'm out of ideas

Slide over cold kicker Slip over chilly knee #TurnSOCKintoAnAcronym

I've been living in Philadelphia for 4 years now and think I'm starting to take on the accent. Might be something in the wooder. 🤔

Canada, come get your geese, they are being loud and obnoxious. Really not sure how long we can still be winter storage for you at this rate

An infinite number of monkeys, given typewriters and sufficient time, will eventually produce a particular text, such as Hamlet or even the complete works of Shakespeare. In the meantime, everything just gets posted on twitter.

Thanks Elon for the new algorithm 🤨

I have a theory that cats are collectively on the verge of discovering the laws of gravity

All I'm saying is, if we cut down all the trees, no more forest fires.🤔 Stay safe everyone.

I wonder if Gen Y and Z even know watermelons used to have large black seeds🤔

Futurama is back but everyone is gonna bitch because a dumb bird turned into a dumb X.

I love me some SciFi, but unless they get that alien on the witness stand, I'm gonna have some serious doubts.

Either I've gone insane or there was an actual radio commercial selling "Sleeping gummies for kids". Tell me we aren't doing edibles for children.

What if we hook up terminal people who want assisted suicide with people who want to kill people?

Well, doubt I'll change anyone's mind, but I'll be voting Blue tomorrow. Hope you'll join me.