I tweet like I’ve got 100k followers and the algorithm humbles me every time. Shoutout to the 4 people who see my posts. You’re real ones.

My toxic trait is telling myself “one episode” at 10am and coming to at 7pm surrounded by snacks and shame. #SaturdayVibes

No one talks about how “doing nothing for a bit” turns into I ghosted everyone I love and now it’s been 3 weeks.

post something heartfelt: 3 views post a meme: 6 likes I say “my dick is USB-C compatible”: 87,000 impressions, 9 quote tweets, 1 sponsorship offer

Tradesmen with google phones be like: “on this day 3 years ago: a melted power bar zip-tied to a gas line" “remember when a raccoon burst out of the drywall?” “your last shred of hope—gone, 2021.” like WHY is my phone documenting the worst side quests of my life.

I take a Viagra everyday before work just so my boss knows who the hardest worker is.

For once I just want to whisper "Fuck your tight" and have it not be while I'm doing my monthly budget.

Gin makes me emotional. Tequila makes me reckless. Whiskey makes me nostalgic. Jäger makes me wanna suplex my grandmother through the coffee table.