Just spent 40 mins wishing happy VD to all the girls I've left on read

I like words of affirmation as a pairing to acts of service

Little dogs: they're fun, too. - brought to you by the people who want you to adopt them.

Comic #1: I never get booked anywhere good Comic #2: OMG. Are we Trauma Bonding? Comic #1: OMG- Yes!

Shootout to the people I send IG memes to who reply: "Already seen it" Congrats on finding the only unacceptable response. Now go fyatwh

Love how WWE is pushing the female division by not mentioning anyone's weight or having a heavyweight title. Some things never change. #wwe #andnew

Here me out. A Seven remake, but instead of a head in a box, it's a dick in a box starring Justin Timberlake.

We should be more like candles, and never age

Let's debate. Old Navy is better than Gap. Fight me, now.

Has anyone told Taco bell that nobody needs them in the chicken space ?

TFW you post 'felt cute might delete later' and your random social follower comments, 'no, keep it'

The most fit part of me is my nose because it runs all the time

They got Kevin Garland doing it. He just said, ‘Kat Grabs the Balls & Shreds the D’.

With everyone posting the number of countries they've visited, (I've been to 350 btw, so dont even try), is asking someone their count gonna be confused with asking someone their body count?

How was "I'm in a glass cae of emotion" not a more popular phrase on zoom calls during the pandemic?

Little children simply do not understand my advanced sense of humor

Come see me at the Riyadh Comedy Festival. It might cost you an arm and a leg, tho.

It was a blackout week. I have no idea how I got here.

The Rob Reiner news really shocked me. The most surprising thing is understanding why my parent never had sharp knives in the house.

I like that women don't collectively understand the hanging knife over the sink thing, it shows... actually I'm not gonna tell you