I counted 6x packets with mould on this afternoon at large Clapham High St Sainsbury's. Showed a shelf-stacker and she couldn’t give less of a shit. Fab. #BreadPolice

SmellMyDik’s been on. Said I should be ashamed of myself advertising electrical services on a dating site. #fab #grindr

When was the last time you had your liver function tests done hun? Nigel Farage MP

It takes Sky TV 5 mins and 7 code attempts to recognise your TV for the remote control, yet Apple remote control does it literally *instantly*. *slow clap*

Strictly Come Dancing? Or old pimp daddy dishing out poppers on the dance floor in a faux fur? #StrictlyComeDancing

Can we have some older people in there please? Jees. Monkey is the only one in there older than the pants I’m currently wearing. #BBUK

How is this acceptable, M&S? Where’s the rest of my unopened lunch gone? 😭

Apple's design is unbelievable.

Handful of tix left for jokes jokes jokes on Monday night at the divine Duchess theatre in Covent Garden - but fistfuls left in Hall for Truro for tomorrow night - both venues £26 per ticket. 90 min show - 7.30 kick off out by 9.30pm last trot around the block for this show

Excited for some JOKES with Jenny Eclair tonight. Seated and ready to giggle with It's me, John!

Very very funny for an old bird! Jenny Eclair

Last night was such a giggle. We had a scream! It's me, John

Is this a joke, Pret? Where’s my chicken lunch?… 🤨

Why is the X feed all over the shop the last couple of weeks? No chronological feed whatsoever. Sort your shit out X girl. It’s beyond tiring now.

It's me, John X Next to “following” top right is a little arrow. Can reset to chronological. No idea why they changed it.

✨ I AM FUN ✨

My mum and dad in Ireland are definitely not sick of my shit already

Does Farage have COP-D? He sounds and coughs like he does. 🤔

#Grindr - when you’re rude not replying to a message from every Tom, Dick and Harry, but you’re also rude telling the ‘say if not interested’ guys “I’m not interested”. And you’re rude if you block. Right.

Not only have you stopped stocking little tins of regular white-label slimline tonic, Sainsbury's, but the bottles now too. Gold label ‘slimline Indian tonic’ is totally different and we do not like. 😭😭😭 #clapham