Hope this doesn't hurt his chances during award season but we found a frantic 911 call Steven Spielberg made in 1982.

VIKINGS¡!!!! #Vikings

I thought I liked Ghostbusters till I moved to Chicago and met guys that LIKE Ghostbusters Jesus

Winter is cool I look like a chapped alien

Hey everyone our dear friend Kenny Deforest was in a serious accident and we are raising money to help with medical bills, anything helps if you can gofund.me/ae8e906b

Did you know snacks cost a thousand dollars?

Gonna try to scream more this year

Wait Is it Orlando BROOM!?

People who are aren't gonna tell you this but The hardest part for me about bein a dumbass bitch is... being a dumbass bitch !

I gotta watch a damn JESUS commercial!?

Wait... Can I hire Jeff Goldblum?

Aging and death is wild just had to estimate my dad's dick size for an external catheter cause no I'm not asking Mom

But can ai make unwatchable sketch videos?

How bout an old fashioned smoked under a big tin garbage can and when you open it ruins the restaurant

It's this the only reason I'm on Twitter still?

NEWS: My friends and I now own and run The Onion. I’ll be the CEO. We’re keeping the entire staff, bringing back The Onion News Network, and share the wealth with staff. Basically, we’re going to let them do whatever they want. Get excited. nytimes.com/2024/04/25/bus…

Why didn't the wolves score more points? Are they stupid?

Did you know that 9 out of 10 father in laws have a mild form of autism?

God, what's the meaning of life? It's laundry and dinner ...wait...fukin...what? Yeah no, the whole time it's been actually laundry and dinner It's ... lau THERE'S NO WAY TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND OK STFU IT LAUNDRY AND DINNER GAWD