I am but a weary traveler. There is a specific, special, cozy sadness in an 8am terminal B Chicago O’Hare Airport Chili’s 🌶️ breakfast. I always take the long walk here from terminal C because the servers here are gallant heroes.

Call me a prescriptivist fuddy-duddy, but if I hear you say ‘reticent’ when you only meant ‘reluctant’ I will go Robert Downey Jr. from Weird Science on you and pour a Slurpee on your head.

If your airport luggage has fewer than 500 stickers of obscure places you’ve visited in the Midwest than I do you’re clearly a maniac

Hot take: Sweet potato fries 👎🏽

I’m creating a coffee table book on do’s and dont’s for rich, poorly qualified first time parents who seat themselves and their justifiably mannerless brood near me. Please give me title ideas.

Hotel room TVs, in my battle-weary travel history, work 12% of the time. Mine doesn’t today. Good news is I don’t have to spend a minute watching the debate.

Do you have tinnitus? Does yours come in the form of songs you’ve never heard? Just had a Reggae tune with harmonies & horns called “Don’t Look Back.” Earlier I had a Country jam called “Damn I’m Goin’ Down”. For real Of course my brain would torture me by making up songs 🤦🏻‍♂️

!!!TOMORROW!!! Kickstarter link in bio! Here are the book blurbs from extremely smart fun havers with exquisite taste Andy Richter @jeffbryandavis and @babyvanbeezly 🎶🗣️🎤 #youhatekaraoke

… you’re an aktuell fahrt.

I’ve been in Budapest one hour and I already speak and understand zero Hungarian words! 🇭🇺

Huge missed marketing opportunity if he doesn’t change his gear sponsor from adidas to @LeCoqSportif

I’m sad the Olympic Games are over. Even more sad that it ended with my hometown reminding the world the Red Hot Chili Peppers are from Los Angeles. We aren’t proud of this.

Australian B-girl #raygun, thank you for being you, big love from Los Angeles. Rachael Gunn @raygun_aus

If an upcoming #SNL hosts backs out last second, I’m just saying my impression of the weird Scandinavian hit man from Fargo season 5 is pretty solid

Quick poll! Day off, going to a movie theater very soon. Do I see Deadpool meets Wolverine or Aliens meets Romulus? Honest choices please, no spoilers.

How easter egg-driven should I be going into this?

#debate2024 Taylor Swift #CatLadies #TaylorForKamala

Thanks for the kind birthday thoughts. If you must send me a 🎁 , find a squirrel or animal of your choosing to settle near and start a rap cypher with them. Don’t send videos of it, keep it personal and weird. 🎤 🐿️ 🦜

Can’t believe the band ‘Pilot’ hasn’t been sued for its 1975 ripoff of the #Ozempic jingle.

I rarely tweet these days unless something remarkable has occurred but I just saw a Tesla driver use a turn signal to change lanes