You wonder why it’s so difficult for politicians to pass any kind of legislation and then you try to make changes to your fantasy football league in a group chat and it’s like “oh ok I get it now”

People who low key don’t actually love their dog: I paid good money to send them to a trainer and I make sure they abide by my rules Me: I will buy new socks every two weeks before I ever tell that sweet angel baby he has to stop stealing them

One person cooks while the other person drinks alcohol nearby. It's literally a perfect system.

With the Dave Grohl news, it is with a heavy heart and honest lips that I must announce that I am the only good man left alive.

he showed up to this debate and said they’re executing babies after birth and also they’re eating pets that’s what he said a guy running for president said that

The government isn’t controlling the weather you idiots. I am.

50° is the perfect temperature. Add a slight breeze? Oooh baby, I can feel my heartbeat in my loins.

Always catches me off guard when I see a real fat guy on a motorcycle. Something very unnerving about the vibes. Like there’s a glitch in the simulation.

I absolutely love when I run out of body wash or deodorant because it means I get to go to the store and see what kinda new insane shit the mad scientists have created. Do I want my pits to smell like a Moon Oasis? Yer goddam right I do Dove, ya sick freaks

Every single cabinet nomination thus far is essentially “The Unabomber will be Post Master General”

“Let’s rock n’ roll”, I say as I do a big stretch and every bone in my body cracks like a glow stick

No single product line has ever gone harder than Dove Men+Care. They care about me personally, and I would defend their honor without hesitation. Violently, if necessary.

One of my strongest held beliefs is that if I was homeless I would easily be able to live inside the mall without anybody noticing

Nobody ever talked about male loneliness or declining birth rates until fellas started rocking this haircut and/or a mustache and I refuse to believe that’s a coincidence

Made it through the entire election cycle without doing anything drastic just to want to log off for good after seeing some of your Spotify Wrappeds

Trans-Siberian Orchestra boldly asked the question “What if we made a Christmas song that you could also fight somebody to?” and then absolutely nailed the vision with Carol of the Bells. Gotta respect it.

I cant believe I'm going to type these words in this order but I think Elon should tweet some more right now.

I watched one episode of Love Island with my girlfriend and I could literally feel my brain chemistry starting to see how Boomer Republicans think and I had to stop