if you ever think that things couldn’t get any worse, imagine if cats had buttcheeks.

some people will say that mutant superpowers aren’t real, but i will say that they are wrong, and also that i have mutated the ability to eat unlimited amounts of tandoori chicken

if i were a bird, i’d probably be one of the dummies living in the home depot gardening section

woke and randomly called my cat Bostwick because today’s the day my brain wanted me to remember when two grey gardens types kidnapped tommy pickles and renamed him Bostwick

it’s crazy how there are 2 US presidents who are known as not-liars. 4.3% truth rate and we still get surprised.

a podcast hosted by Flea and Joaquin Phoenix called “Listen to My Teeth When I Talk”

He approached the gleaming gates, unsure if he would be welcome. “We’ve been waiting for you Mr. Springer,” said the robed attendant at the gilded archway. A chorus of angels could be heard in the distance, starting a slow chant, “Jerry… Jerry… Jerry…”

Patrick Stewart as spokesperson for incontinence medication: “These days, when my body tells me that I have to Boldly Go, you might say that Resistance is Futile. That’s why…”

here’s a tweet for my mom that my mom would like: (in an australian accent) A MINION ATE MY MINION

i think that if paris hilton was around when they tested the atomic bomb, oppenheimer would’ve said “that’s hot” instead of am becoming death

whatever i guess the red onion that sprouted in my fruit basket is just another house plant now

Today I saw a fawn stumbling through a field of clover. please dm me my nobel prize in poetry.

this is my emotional support 2nd season episode of rick and morty

buckle the fuck up, brain. i’m about to take you on a musical little ride called Repeat 1.

if you love me and i get lost at the bottom of the ocean, please (and i can’t stress this enough) go to your concert.

“oh i’m sorry, we’re actually out of that soup” *jon brion interlude starts playing in my head as my eyes well up*

Celebrate 25 years of Cher’s groundbreaking dance album, BELIEVE. 💃🪩🕺 Available November 3, the BELIEVE (25th Anniversary Deluxe Edition) boxed set includes the timeless classics plus electrifying remixes from the era compiled for the first time on 3LP, 2CD & digitally. The

i inform to regret you

walking up to a person holding a baby and asking what kind of dog that is