If spiders ever realize that people are terrified of them, we're fucked.

You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.

Oh your Twitter account is protected? What do you tweet? Nuclear launch codes?

The longest five seconds in anyone's life is waiting to press the "Skip Ad" button on YouTube.

OMG this actually works!!! 1: Hold your breath for five minuets 2: Die

Shit happens, I mean look at your face.

iOS7 more like iOS 7% battery left.

I got expelled from school on pajama day. Not my fault I sleep naked.

Zombies only eat brains. Don't worry you're safe.

I want to be in a relationship with abs, but there's this bitch named food.

Things you must try on an elevator!

McDonalds: Giving people with swag steady jobs since 1940.

If you were a cookie, you'd be a Whoreo.

🔋100% 😃 🔋90% 😆 🔋80% 😁 🔋70% 😏 🔋60% 😅 🔋50% 😬 🔋40% 😐 🔋30% 😢 🔋20% 😧 🔋10% 😫 🔋3% 😱🔌🏃💨💨

Twinkle twinkle little star I want to hit you with a car Throw you off a tree so high Hope you break your neck and die

The problem with some people is that they're breathing.

Sarcasm is always the best answer to a stupid question.

*At school* Asian: Damn that math test was hard Me: I'm fucked

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