Scary to think what can survive in a hot sauce to make it spoil. #covidcleaning

This is a work of genius! (Now, please explain it to me.)

A classic routine, updated for your #COVID19 pleasure: youtube.com/watch?v=SEQJ0H…

I'm thinking of ending things... with Charlie Kaufman.

Resolved: In #2012, the bedsheets get changed more than twice a year. Happy New Year!

I would make one good-looking pirate. #setbarlow

On this first #primary of election season, I think it's okay to admit that some of my best friends are poll dancers. #nh #gop #politics

Political parties are to parties what reality shows are to reality. #election #primary

Never trust a person who claims not to like chocolate.

You gotta admire #Shakespeare... his smutty puns still play after 400 years.

Bouncing Butterfly #madeupsexualpositions

Transit of Venus #madeupsexualpositions #space #astronomy

Not a good sign when I can tell from your Internet dating profile that you are high maintenance - but I do give you credit for honesty.

Today, on National Cleavage Day, let us remember that "to cleave" means both to "split apart" and "to cling to". #boobies!

Putting "Student Driver" on my car so that people will give me a wide berth on the road.

Holiday plans: Today I will act as Moses and hike a mountain. Tomorrow I will act like a bunny. Happy #Passover and/or #Easter

I want to be the George Washington Carver of ear wax.

#TheDateWasOverWhen she wanted to spoon and I wanted to fork. #love

Just made a citizen's arrest for speeding in a parking lot. #bookem #danno

If we work together, we can make today's traffic a smashing success. Every little bit counts!