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If you drive an unnecessarily loud, lifted truck with tires that are way too big, I'm automatically going to assume you have a small penis

Men, what did the poor gorilla ever do to you?

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Current stoner me is thanking past grocery shopping me for all the wonderful snacks

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I like to play this fun game called: "Did I stop caring because I'm growing as a person, or is it just the depression?"

If Kelly pops today that kids gonna have Verstappen genes, Piquet genes, and the marinated soul of Ayrton Senna fuck it might even heel toe outta the womb

People who drive really slow and then speed up whenever you try to pass them. Straight to hell

Do you ever forget what you were talking about mid sentence?

Happy Friday!

Do not give me anything important to hold. I am dropping everything today.

it’s an unwritten rule that you have to physically go to your airport gate BEFORE getting food or else the gate will cease to exist when it’s time to board and then the flight attendants will break your knees and laugh at you

Getting the injury report from NHL teams after their playoffs are over just really proves that every other sport is full of babies

“Don’t forget to take your meds” is a love language.

i'm naturally irritated when i first wake up. you have to give me a few minutes to adjust

Sleepy space raccoons

I need to take up kickboxing or some sort of martial arts because I really want to hit something