Anyone got a farm for sale? Seriously man; goats n chickens be making more sense than my current co-workers. And probably smell better!

The difference between “I don’t drink” and “I don’t drink ANYMORE” is a good story

Institutional racism is me and my white friends going nigger knocking, playing smear the queer and talking about getting gypped LONG before we had the capacity to understand what any of those words meant.

I guess not everyone plays the “Who Will I eat and who will I ally with if this plane goes down” game like I do in my head. Mentioned it to my travel mate and she looked disturbed. I need her to relax because stress hormones are gonna spoil those juicy lookin thighs!

Buffalo white supremacist “Black people are taking over”…Has to drive 200 miles to find enough black people to commit a mass murder

Just spent an amazing couple of days with a few well adjusted, successful and incredibly smart people telling jail, DWI, school expulsion etc. stories. Remember: YOU ARE NOT YOUR BAD DECISIONS!!

Slipped on the treadmill, caught the handle then proceeded to drum sand my shins before recovering THIS IS WHY PEOPLE DON’T EXERCISE!!!

When you’re short, every end is the deep end….I’ll see myself out 👋🏼

Oh, I know!….I just don’t care

Scenes from a museum entry: “Are you a senior?” “No ma’am. But I can see it from here”

You’ll see me when I get there…Thanks C. You were the soundtrack for my change.

Turns out my cat has asthma….What does cat asthma sound like? Expensive. It sounds expensive.

(1/2) As a parent, you should default to Yes. "Daddy, i'm going to be a space princess someday". "Goddamn right pumpkin". "daddy, I'm going to rule the world". "Yes you are sweetie, and you've got to start by putting away your toys".

(2/2) Why? So that, when they ask themselves if something is possible, your voice is not the one that says it is not.

It turns out that you can never be too weird for a cat

To all those people asking why a straight man would take his family to a drag show... have you ever been to a drag show? Top five most fun I've ever had in my life!

I smell funny

You don't owe anybody Jack shit-Period.

Quiet quitting isn't new-my Grandpa used to talk about it. He just pronounced it "you get what you pay for" #quietquitting

I bought a multi-thousand dollar pinball machine this week and I was just as happy about my new socks that I got to wear. I think this is a question for my therapist...