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The worst thing about helping people is the thanking and talking part afterwards.

Our last one just moved out, absolutely devastating. There’s no one left to blame shit on.

Whoever decides to make replacement brakes for trash trucks will make a killing.

I’ll make a decision on my own as long as you say it’s ok.

I’d talk to a shrink about my anxiety but that would mean meeting someone new.

Babies must think everyone has a high voice.

MMA fighters get the shit beat out of them, and I’m stressing about infection from contacting blood from previous matches.

You’d think part of the cashier interview would be “Do you know how to make change?”

People buy car dealerships because they want to get into showbiz.

If you eat a lot of toilet paper, will it wipe you on the way out?

Antique stores are very well organized trash dumps.

Mike Tyson’s best punch of the fight was the slap at weigh-ins.

So excited about killing a fruit fly today I mounted its head on the wall.

First day of work, they asked me to tell everyone something about myself. I said I once murdered someone. I hope they know I was joking.

There are windows all around you people picking their nose in their car.

How will Ohtani’s interpreter come up with $17M. Fix games?

I could be a doctor, “drink lots of water,” see?

If you can’t talk right now, how were you able to just tell me?

I’d talk to someone about my anxiety but I don’t feel like meeting someone new.

I could never be friends with myself, we’re too much alike.