my peanous hurts Shout out to my old disheveled urologist, who took me in, snipped and burned my nuts without me feeling a thing, and sewed me up in less than 20 minutes. And shout out to Earl Snuggs who’s always there for me.

I think if I smoked weed with Itamar Ben-Gvir we could work things out

I can’t justify giving this to Goodwill. It’s going in a landfill. Suck it, libs.

Rob Schneider's Illuminati membership is the free tier with ads.

“Conservatism consists of exactly one proposition, to wit: There must be in-groups whom the law protects but does not bind, alongside out-groups whom the law binds but does not protect.” - Francis M. Wilhoit

The modern Republican voter base is a coalition between the guy tailgating you while screaming into his phone in a Ford Superduty and the guy tailgating you while screaming into his phone in a BMW 530i

Thanks TSA This totally unnecessary action only cost me a half hour!

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

I have officially found it: the saddest sports banner in the US. We made the tournament - no, not that one, the one people turn down - and immediately got eliminated… nearly 40 years ago.

Goddamnit my partner of 16 years, who I regard as a bell weather in elections (she pays attention for a month or two) just put a Destiny clip in her facebook story.

“Hey man, how’s life treating you?” “My car doubles in value when I put my guitar and banjo in it.”

“I know everything about how computers work, therefore I am an expert in everything computers are used for” Nobody explicitly believes this, but enough guys believe shades of this and it’s going to ruin the fucking world.

Holy shit Doge AI is going to get its account suspended.

This arrogant, incurious asshole looked at the hours of a post office and thought that’s when everyone’s day began. There are no “days” at USPS. They call their operation “the mail stream” because it never stops. There are postal workers on lunch breaks at every hour of the day.

This is the most intimate moment two straight men can have with each other. music.apple.com/us/album/bury-…

Hey Alan Dershowitz. If you weren’t one of the most obnoxious men on earth, you could be enjoying these right now.

#NewProfilePic

The next big thing in the American consumer economy is gonna be selling young men “solutions” to their gambling debts. Get ready for those ads on your Insta

Re-enacting Black ‘47 in my garbage can

Today’s billionaires are going to die and leave trillions of dollars to their children, who will have done nothing to earn it. Do you want to live in a world run by them?