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getting pregnant just so that i don’t have to change the litter boxes for 9+ months. this is how i win

omg the geminis defrosting from hell

have a layover in houston and they were like “omg sorry your flight is cancelled because the entire airport is closed for weather. also there’s no one who can get your bag so you’ll see her when you see her xoxo” okay i’ll do it……what will you be without your king

i’m so bad at networking now omg i’m at a conference and met a woman named monica so i said “mambo no. 5 name representation!!” as the first thing out of my mouth

brb k-ing my s

making a 107 slide powerpoint to explain to chris why i needed to spend over $500 to swim with pigs in the bahamas

erika You deserve that vaca bestie 👏

Happy 30th Birthday to the best wife & personal bully a guy could ask for. I love you more than a drunk cigarette, and can't believe i'm the one lucky enough to do life with you <3

cinematic parallels

chris just called her “charli xci”……………girl during pride month????

getting one of those vests meant for nervous dogs but instead it says “PLEASE BE PATIENT going through lexapro withdrawal”

chris knows a very juicy piece of gossip about a celebrity through his work and i’m not allowed to tell anyone because it’ll “ruin” his “career” this house is such a prison

He took down Snooki - next up, Osama bin Laden

໊ Me when erika posts her bi-annual selfie on Instagram

bahamas is nice

every time i think im getting complimented in the bahamas, they immediately transition to trying to sell me a timeshare. this “paradise” is destroying my self-esteem, please don’t text

got stepped on by a 520 pound pig yesterday during our pig swimming excursion and i’m 95% sure they broke a bone in my foot. s/o pumba, you’ve officially made this bahamas experience unforgettable <33

looks like pink pants is the only one who decided to show up for work today </3

you guys were so annoying about y2k trends that the computers finally joined in on the fun ://

kamala hitting send tweet: