Karma: "Remember that time Donald had a show about firing people? WHO'S FIRED NOW BITCH!" #DumpTrump2020

Weekends: the time you think you're gonna do 38 things on your to do list, but in reality... you just watch 38 hours of Netflix. You had a great intention though! Maybe next weekend you'll do all that bullshit.

I should really be keeping up with my makeup game during quarantine. I just tried to do a smokey eye & now I look like a 7th grader that cried off all her Claire's mascara.

The only reason I'll stay up till midnight

Therapist: How's your week been? Me: Since we only have an hour, I think it's easier to just show you my recent plays on Spotify

My dad has reached a new level of cool, he just asked my mom if she was ''trippin".

I have a job interview on Zoom next week & I already started planning my outfit... boss bitch blouse on top, quarantine sweatpants on the bottom. I could put on real pants but I haven't done that since February, why start now?

Donating for #GivingTuesday please consider one of my favorites Hartford Performs that brings the magic of the arts to inner city schools that don't even have the budget for crayons. hartfordperforms.org/donate/

If you drank the original Four Loko & lived, you'll survive the corona vaccine. Nothing can be more toxic than og Fruit Punch.

I'm not naughty or nice this year. I'm just broke & depressed.

Hearing myself say moist as I edit my podcast is literally making my ears bleed.

You've been a bitch of a year 2020, but thank you for showing me what & who I need to leave behind.

New Year's 2019: full of tequila & stumbling into bed at 3am New Year's 2020: full of Sleepy Time tea & tucking myself in at 10pm

I have a lot of goals this year, but being less awkward on Zoom is definitely at the top.

This year I don't just need better dick, I need vaccinated dick. If you're a cute essential worker, submit your application via DMs & my secretary will get back to you shortly.

I either give way too many fucks or no fucks at all. How do I find that happy middle ground of allotted fucks?

Explaining what the Bernie memes are to my mom takes a new level of patience 😬

Noni: "Have you found a job yet?" Me: "No, but I signed up for astrology school!" Noni: "Is that some type of doctor?" Me: "Kind of... but I'll just be studying planets instead of organs."

Hardest lesson to learn durning the pandemic... pillows don’t cuddle back.

I just want to be rich enough to NOT have to skip my Fabletics outfit every month.