Spiraling. I can’t imagine my life without red dye number 3.

Spicy ranch is like the opposite of a mild hot sauce. It's hot mild sauce.

Amazon now has full control of the Bond franchise. Expect the following: -Amazon Basics tuxedo -Q handing Bond a Fire phone -Climax occurs on Prime Day -Villain is a small business owner -Bond casting determined by algorithm, so probably Sabrina Carpenter?

"Babe, it's not a bag of Cheetos, it's an investment opportunity."

Maybach? For that kind of money I expect a Definitelybach.

Just once I'd like to see a bottle of orange juice have the courage to say, "100% from concentrate. Fuck you."

I'm determined to never find out what an acai bowl is.

To qualify to be featured in an Architectural Digest tour video, you have to prove that no one has ever pooped at your house.

Tattoos are a good way to tell the world how much barbed wire means to you.

20s: “Hey, wanna go to this party? No one is going to go and it’s a two hour drive each way. Thought I’d check it out then leave immediately.” “Hell yeah dude.” 
 30s: “Hey, I’m dying and your last chance to see me is a free three-star meal.” “Can’t dude, gotta do laundry."

Damn, you mean to tell me I’m NOT supposed to eat the silica packet?

You're just one high dollar purchase away from a full 30 minutes of feeling kind of happy.

Going to get this shirt so I can wear it to Wendy's.

Yogurt is probably in my top three types of gurt.

You either die "random" or live long enough to become "cringe."

Can’t wait for my Columbia record club wrapped for this year.

“You can tell this band is cool because you have no idea how to pronounce their name.”

Me, adding junk food to my Doordash cart like a child circling toys in a Toys R Us catalog.

Dang, how many movies does it take to learn how to train a dragon? I don't have all day here.

“I’m thinking about leaving the Blue Man Group and going Blue Man Solo.”