I really should be home.

Voted. Have you?

Drinking champagne and eating digestive biscuits and watching a Tom Hanks film. Why? Because I can. Pen is the co-pilot.

“ I banged on the door because I didn’t want to walk in on any funny business”. When did I become the child in my own home?

Half term. Dirty clothes every where. Sweet wrappers on every surface. Dirty bathrooms. Better tidy up before the kids get back. Jokes aside, my tolerance to teenage filth is about to be tested as never before.

I normally do not comment on diet but next man has just taken on two mars bars and two Red Bull’s for brekker. Hope he isn’t a surgeon. As for me, I was dancing with a cocktail bar bouncer 7 hours ago so what do I know about lifestyle choices

I am in my office at work and am reminded of a line that my dear friend Tom Cassels gave me just this morning-“you chose this”. Mmmh

The interesting benefit of my swanky new spitalfield office is that I seem to be on the flight path for weekend hen/stag parties. So far three sets have gone by. All in fancy dress. Doesn’t make up for being at work.

I feel that I reached my peak as a negotiator when I said on the conference call “How you gonna do me like dat?” And people on that call considered their doing.

Walking the earth near my office building. The passing of the guard has happened. Streets filled with kids no older than my oldest and me looking like their dad. Better go back to my desk to transact difficult law badly.

The case of Watching boy3 step over a blob of ketchup on the floor 3 times before I tidied it up reminded me of the difference between the homeowner and the non rent paying “resident”. “There’s some over there too”, he added helpfully.

The Isle of Wight is hosting me today for Boy3’s cricket tour. I’m going to be spending the day living up to my reputation at the school for being very shy and reserved. Which I am, by the fucking way

Tonight I have Jazz at the 606 club in Fulham. Already fretting about the taxi home. Don’t see Pen going for a Sunday night night bus “adventure”.

Explaining to my family why I need to take a suitcase filled with shoes and hats is not going well. Beyonce is not a persuasive precedent. #shoesinhandluggage

Not going to bed until the last resident has shuffled to bed can be difficult. Let’s see how f I get any credit at breakfast

My holiday has involved putting various criminals to bed and then getting up to make breakfast for the righteous. My dreams of running a quiet Ibizan B and B lie in shatters

My END OF DAYS meter is kicking out some unusually high readings...up at the raining fish level. Better bunk off work and get a shandy in true English fashion.