🔥The 9th Round of Easy Loan, Earn $40 Reward is in progress❗️ ⏰ Promotion Period: January 15th - Feburary 15th, 2025 👉 Register now and check more details at gate.io/campaigns/358

Date: I like guys who travel Me: *takes three steps without dribbling*

Piss is just boneless cum.

Apart from my actions what the hell did I do to deserve this

Finding Nemo but it’s rats. Rats Nemo.

Dolly Parton wrote Gangstas Paradise

Pray for me

That’s crazy. So fascinating. So you just write down the names of all the teams you think might win? That’s so cool dude

[dinner party] Wife: try not to show off too much tonight Me: you got it *later* Me: who wants some of my homemade billion trillion squillion island dressing

I’ve got flashing paint eyelids 😔

PSA: we don’t need that AI action figure of you. Cheers

Squeezing the loose skin on the nutsack feels so fucken good I can’t explain it. Happy Easter

[son gets 2nd place in art fair] Me: lets put it on the second fridge Son: but we dont have a second fridge Me: then I guess we don’t have time for your bullshit

Just blocked my kids school’s email address. Nobody needs to be sending me 4 emails before lunch.

[first day as a pilot] Me, over the intercom: this is super hard, you guys should try it

We got GTA 6 before we got GTA 6

Imagine having a problem with me when I’m over here minding my own damn business, just starting a series of career ending rumours about you cos lol

Guy with clipboard: do you like pandas? Me: yeah dude I love pandas Also me, after he tells me he wants $10 a month for pandas: absolutely fuck pandas

So he didn’t walk on water?

What’s something that’s legal but feels like shouldn’t be? I’ll go first - theft

Judas: still on for Friday? Jesus: Friday? Judas: yeah, the last supper Jesus: the what? Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas