My spirit animal is an asshole.

You had me at antidepressant

The way life goes alcohol should be covered by insurance and have a co-pay.

I've got all the obvious shit covered its time you took care of the shit I didn't know was sneaking up on us!

Oh you paid $50 to see three comedians and $8 a beer. That's nice, I've got twitter for free and a case a keystone light for $12.

I've got a hundred pair of sexy underwear you're never going to see. -my wife

How dare you call me a raging alcoholic...I'm not mad at all!

Forrest Gump the ultimate guide to the friend zone.

I tweet therefor I am.

Saturday October 11th sleepy hollow hayrides in bucks county, Pa!

I just assume all twitterers are middle aged men living in their mothers basements.

I use GroupMe to stay connected with my groups and you should too! (Share photos, send emojis, & likes) Get the app: groupme.com/apps

The Beach Zombie Massacre #greatesttrailerever youtu.be/fQOqJ-vDXgQ

The Beach Zombie Massacre youtu.be/fQOqJ-vDXgQ

If #apple doesn't add Qi charging to the next iPhone well... I'm going to be mad, real mad! #Samsungisgettingitright

Guaranteed $100 buyback with your LG G4 purchase get to @sprint for this great deal! @SellWithLG #NE4LG

Switch to @sprint and we'll take 50% off most Verizon, AT&T & T-Mobile rates #sprintemployee learn more: sprint.co/1untnzxe

@sprint is here in doylestown we are saving customers 50% on their Verizon AT&T & T-Mobile bills! #savingwithsprint

Want to save money? Come to @sprint the fastest 4g lte in philly! #Sprint4Philly

Here @sprint we have #harmankardon #bluetooth speakers for $300 off right now! #MoveForward #Sprint4Philly #gettingbettereveryday