Not saying it necessarily impacted on productivity but my working from home today was punctuated by 23 unsuccessful attempts to open a jar of raspberry conserve.

Woman in Lidl told me my sandwich looked lovely. Not often i get compliments.

There were arguably some things that Jimi Hendrix could do better than me, but I can 100% eat a baguette with more composure than this.

Not sure it quite qualifies as self-loathing or not but sometimes I pop into Greggs for a vegan roll and I’m disappointed when they don’t have any, but also disappointed when they do.

Watching the first Lord of the Rings film. Too many dirty fingernails in Middle-Earth, would not recommend.

Left the bathroom light on overnight and the window open. Showered this morning in the presence of every crane fly in Merseyside.

Left for work IN THE DARK this morning, like a milkman or a common strangler.

Trapped in that netherworld between the death of one washing machine and the arrival of another. Now working out what day I’ll have to start turning underwear inside out to wear twice.

I appear to have sat down on a wet bench. Consoling myself with the thought that it only really becomes a problem when I want to stand up.

Not letting the fact that Crimson Glory looked like this put me off listening to Crimson Glory.

Four weeks on and somehow my last haircut keeps getting worse. Might check my statutory rights.

Spent a full 20 minutes trying to google a small kitchen implement I couldn’t name or even adequately describe. Turns out it’s a bottle-brush Mark you fucking idiot.

Stung by my own deodorant. The ultimate betrayal.

There is a man outside Aldi shaking his prawns.

My wife has bought lemon-scented cistern blocks that flush the exact colour of piss.

Been alone in the house all week so while I have absolutely no explanation for why this tea towel smells as bad as it does, I must also accept I have no-one else to blame.

Been ripping up some carpet and underlay and now I have a new least favourite thing ever.

My reputation as a man who doesn’t keep losing his house keys lies in tatters.

Man on the train has slid his ticket under his wristwatch for safekeeping and I’m wondering if I need to do the decent thing and tell him about pockets.

I’ve nothing against experts and connoisseurs but today I was given some unsolicited wine advice in Lidl and all I’m saying is that I don’t stand by the banana milk pontificating at strangers.