When you're married it helps to know sigh language.

You never hear a positive story involving a basement.

Pfizer & Moderna are superior because they give you 2 shots to earn likes on social media.

My favorite kind of song is when someone explains a house party as if they’re the first ones to throw one.

We live in the golden age of conspiracy theories, or so they would have you believe. #tuesdayvibe #conspiracy

My favorite part of every single movie is the overhead shot of a big city so we don’t have to wonder where it takes place.

me on April Fools before 2020: “don’t prank me I’m so gullible hehe!” me now: “I’m one prank away from a full on meltdown if you try anything I swear to god I will snap.” #AprilFoolsDay

Brilliant

Why is it that video games let you start over but ex girlfriends don’t?

THIS FRIDAY @ 9 on ZOOM! Philly Comedy Club & @LastOutMedia's RUS GUTIN EXPERIENCE! SPRING BASEBALL FOOD EDITION! w Host of #DinnersReadyLive, Dan Altano! Teaching (R)us & his WIFEY how 2 make DAN's recipeS 4 NY vs. CHICAGO HOT DOGS! Code: (DAN) for $12 TIX: phillycomedyclub.com!

“Never meet your heroes.” - your heroes

Looking at High School yearbook photos from the 80s has me wondering what the hell were we looking at off into the distance?

The fact that there’s now a legit Venn diagram of people who think masks make it impossible to breath & those who think 9 minutes of a knee to the neck don’t... That’s probably the easiest way to describe the last year

This show was so fun to be on. RUS GUTIN has created a great show!

Olive Garden: When you're here, you're family. The rest of the week, your kids stay with their mother.

Here’s something you never hear in an autobiography: "But enough about me."

This Saturday Dan Altano Dan Altano will be performing! Be sure to get your tickets for 7:30pm or 9:30pm. Come on out for a night filled with great food, drinks, and laughter. robscomedyplayhouse.com/events/55049

I just read that a college student has created an app that can tell whether AI wrote an essay. The app will be called NARC.