Duolingo is perfect if you want to hate a guy who just loves to learn more than you do

*me downloading enough tracks for my run so I can give up after seven minutes and lie down on a park bench*

Food delivery apps are like McDonald's: 5-10 minutes Healthy Food: Hobbits will carry your order for 185 days

My options in life

You Either Die a Hero or Live Long Enough to See Yourself Promoting Royal Kingdom on Instagram

A little inconvenience: (happens) Me:

Why men don’t meditate * We don’t have time — we’ve got a heart attack scheduled for today * An enemy could strike while you’re meditating * You’re supposed to relax your jaw. Absolutely unacceptable * You have to let go of all thoughts. Even about Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

The saddest story in stand-up

My therapist and I have been using Microsoft Teams instead of Skype for over a week now, and I'm starting to feel like he needs to work on his anger issues, too.

All announcements at the Vienna airport are made in an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent.

Balkan countries be like

People read about a man in ancient Greek myths who ran a marathon and died, and they decided that they had to run marathons.

I want to do a show at the local comedy club. It will be called "Dan and his friends". When people show up, it turns out to be my solo show.

I would never go to the beach for myself, but I try to take my dogs there regularly because it's good for them. Too bad dogs don't need to play Red Dead Redemption 2 for 14 hours.

Tip: If you do absolutely nothing for a week, you won’t need a planning meeting the next week — all the tasks are already there.

My wife got worried about me when she found out that The National was in my "fun" category.

What I hear when I come for a massage "I'll play special music for you that affects each hemisphere of the brain separately to help you relax." (YouTube ad) "Sorry." (music)

I'm at that point in life where I own a funny Japanese cat stamp and an official company seal.

I like it when people say, " "ChatGPT can't replace officials because it doesn't know anything and only provides general responses."

Today marks a year since I decided to never buy paper books again in emigration. I think I'll celebrate with a trip to the bookstore.