[Texts Alex.] Hey, babe. It’s been awhile. I know. How ya been? 💙

I’m shoving Pizza Hut in my face. How’s your Easter going?

Your concern for me is adorable. Really.

I can tell you one thing for damn certain.. I will not be drinking goldschlager again anytime soon. [dry heaves and covers his mouth..] I’ll be okay.

Happy Birthday, Sammy.

I feel bad for the poor bastards who have to talk to me everyday.

I heard somebody just call a peacock a ‘disco chicken’ and now I ain’t ever calling ‘em anything else. I could be REALLY insufferable with this..

🥹 I guess I’M the crier through sex after all. Balls.

I don’t get why people continue to piss me off again and again and expect to get a different response every time. If you’re being an asshole, I’m gonna get mad. Is that hard to understand for some people or have we all just given up on common human decency at this point? Fuck.

Sounds like you’re a Winchester. Welcome to the family.

Me: [picks up phone] Kid: [screeches] Me: ………..

It’s been a rough day and it was my day off. What the fuck, man?

no one deserves to sleep questioning their worth.

It’s been awhile..

If my life had a goddamn title..

I was obsessed with watching gymnastics during the Olympics. Those women are BADASS.

Ladies, ladies, ladies! Dean is in the house!