When you go to your grad class and are mistaken for a professor... #gradschool

I always microwave my Udi's Gluten Free bagels so that they are easier to cut before toasting them. I was surprised to hear a clanging noise this morning. I look and there's a screw inside my bagel. (Hope my microwave is ok since I just microwaved a piece of metal.)

So... 52 days til baseball.

Uberpool etiquette: SCOOCH OVER FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO GET IN. Don't make me walk into traffic because you're so self-absorbed that you're pretending to not see me standing there. Stop being cheap and pay for a regular Uber.

😭😭

This is me learning that Galentine's day is not just Valentine's day for single ladies, but actually a separate day.

When you get up to get a glass of water and then decide you need a handful of almonds, forget the water and go sit down. #pregnancyproblems

I'd like to thank the New York Yankees for this round of pneumonia my unborn child and I will be facing after sitting in the cold/rain for 2+ hours last night. Nice to know you care about your fans.

They were wrong. You CAN cry over spilled (breast)milk. #momlife

Welp. I guess I will never drink an entire cup of coffee while it's hot ever again. #momprobs

motherhood is packing every permutation of outfit for each potential activity scenario (including stuff you have 15% chance of doing) for your children and looking down at the pants you’ve worn for 3 months straight and saying ‘eh these’ll do’

Now I know why moms wake up at 4am. It's the only time they can drink their entire cup of coffee in peace.

We're going to make one lucky fan's Christmas VERY merry❗️ RT to win this signed Lamar Jackson jersey❗️ A gift for the best fans in the world 🎁

New reality show - The Real World: I Forgot I Was Cooking. This episode - Cauliflower Rice Burned to the Pan. Stay tuned for next week!

TBH I kind of wish I was on a deserted island right about now. I wouldn't have to worry about contact with other people and I would have an awesome tan. Win-win.

Everyone's like "I cleaned my entire apartment," "I baked 100 cookies," "I alphabetized my CD collection from middle school". And I'm over here working a full-time job and watching an infant wondering just how many hours the clocks were turned back.

Me: Whew, is it Friday yet? Them: It's literally Monday Me:

Actual footage of me sitting in a chair pretending I'm getting a pedicure. Where are the black market nail salons??

2020 in a nutshell:

Can we just all agree to "manly" handshakes?? So sick of being on the receiving end of a wet noodle.