There's a bunch of legal-but-weird shit someone can do that says "hey, that dude is no longer a fit member of parliament" If one was caught trying to smuggle a harmonica using nature's pocket, and were (somehow) found out, you'd think "not illegal..but get him out'. #auspol

Venice Film Festival before #DontWorryDarling : we are a serious event, where people clap for completely normal amounts of times for a film. Sure, your hands cramp and blister around the 11 minute mark, but that's the only acceptable way to show you understood something.

Picked a damn good week to have a head cold and thus spend more time than usual on Twitter.

Dear Future Cal, Please read this text next time you decide to undertake self surgery on ingrown toenails: Don't. You're bad at it. You make it immeasurably worse. The people who love you are running out of patience with this antic. Cordially, Present Cal

When you google something for a story you're writing that surely lands you on some sort of watchlist.

Sometimes you adult, and you declare "look at me, adulting with ease." Other times you adult, and you have to blow most of your income on a washing machine. This is the dark side of adulting. The side no one wants to talk about.

What is an eyebrow but a moustache for the eye?

I was intentionally late to the exclamation mark party. Now I've arrived, it's just like when I used to actually party: going way too hard, too often, and racked with guilt and self doubt about whether I have a problem. Have a great day!

It irks me that the plural of axis is axes. I get it. I just don't appreciate it.

Seems absurd that we evolved with tongues that can't reach all corners of our mouths.

Classic. As part of a long-running review of ABC pay conditions, I've been asked whether I worked 8.5 hour days during the Thai cave rescue. Deep breaths & try not to be insulted, as I enter a 3rd round of providing "evidence" to ABC that foreign correspondents don't work 9-5.

Getting six stitches in your hand after a tuna tin recycling mishap is one way to get a cool scar with a wildly uncool origin.

You ever bite into a toasted sandwich and immediately get up to get the second one started so there's the smallest gap between sandwiches?

Studying today. Concurrently watching neighbours bring numerous bongo drums into the house and more and more people are arriving. One assumes study conditions will deteriorate shortly.

Chatting with your 4-year-old niece is a little like being an over-produced late night host. You, with the inside knowledge from their parents, happen to ask the perfect question that lets them tell a wild story.

Ben Roberts-Smith: That'll teach them. Lawyer: no..no.. we really should have spent more time defining key legal terms before we started this endeavour.

"We're all adults" is such a versatile statement. Can either mean "we can all calmly talk about the (insert super strange thing) that happened" or "we can all simply act like (insert super strange thing) never happened."

Generic drama-filled scene in show/movie: "I didn't think (insert outlier that eventuated)." "You didn't think." Total annihilation. Weak-willed witnesses throw up in garbage bin. If it is the protagonist who has been chastised, their partner immediately breaks up with them.

I'll watch a compilation of Stanley Tucci in Easy A from time to time. Just a scooch of the Tooch, to lift my spirits. An amuse-Tooch, if you will.

People may say I eat too many Weetbix But I can't hear them over the satisfying crunch of my 16th Weetbix of the day.