Ugly women are always accusing me of looking at their chest when in reality, I'm just trying not to look at their face

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

The best part about Crocs is you can wear them in the bathtub while you write the note then drop in the toaster.

Me: Hey, can I borrow your stapler? Her: What's mine is yours. Me: Cool. :: rubs her boob :: Her: The fuck, Joey?! Me: What? We had an itch.

Really Cosmo? 50 tips on how to make your guy horny? What the fuck are the 49 things after "touch his penis"?

Somewhere, a ninja watches "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant." An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. "Damn right you didn't."

It doesn't get any worse than watching someone with big teeth eat soup.

Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I'll take lookout.

Make it a "December to Remember" by keying 'Buttfucker' into the side of some stuffy, old lady's Lexus.

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

Every fortune inside a Panda Express fortune cookie should read, "You will pull your car over to take an outdoors emergency shit."

Simba and Momo always reserved something special for Ms. Fagurski's visiting 3rd class.

College may seem a huge waste of money now, but with some hard work you'll graduate and get a job working for your friend that dropped out.

I order soup on a first date so girls know off the top that I’ll never be “changing a tire” or “fixing drywall”.

Crazy how we drive on a parkway & park on a driveway & everyone with a stick-figure family on the back of their minivan is hella fat

*puts on Nike t-shirt *puts on Champion basketball shorts *puts on Puma athletic socks *puts on Adidas running shoes *drives to McDonald's

Unless they're giving away Cocaine and Unicorns rides outside of my apt. while Paul McCarney covers Metallica songs... Don't call me at 4am