Being an adult is basically that feeling when the fireworks are over and it's time to go home, but all the time.

My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.

I can tell this Subway employee used to be a porn star by the way he's putting mayo on my sandwich. #unfollow

If I had a vagina, at some point I'd probably try to play the harmonica with it.

There's nothing worse than a shitty person with an awesome dog.

This solves everything

dances with wolves drinks too much with wolves explores sexuality with wolves

Abraham Lincoln is trending. I hope nothing bad happened to him.

I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.

No one was politely introduced to jungles until Guns N Roses.

Drove by a place called Stallion Station and now I refuse to refer to my vagina as anything else.

"Juice cleanse" is a one way ticket to Butt Whizz City, USA. I ain't doin' a diet that makes you crap like a babe makin' #1.

No point gettin' in shape if your diet makes you spend all your time in the john with a wet doodoo situaish, you guys.

Alton Brown As a CA cannabis patient I'm curious if you've experimented with cannabis infusions? #altonbrownlive #weedfood #multitasking

#AltonBrownLive as a CA cannabis patient im curious if you've experimented with cannabis infusions? #weedfood #multitasking #putmeonyourshow