There is something i’m supposed to remember today. Could anyone remind me what it is? #RememberRemember

If your “Great Gatsby Themed Party” doesn’t include vehicular manslaughter and someone getting shot in a pool then you really just had a “1920s Themed Party”.

My toxic trait is asking “Is this still available” on Facebook Marketplace, and then never saying anything again.

Why was Aang from Avatar so good at cooking? Because he was an Air Friar #ATLA

Nature is healing

Ms. Frizzle: Okay Explorers! We are in the left anterior descending artery, also known as “The Widowmaker”! Ralphie: why is that? Ms. Frizzle *pulls the e-brake, and drifts the bus sideways*

Them: kit kats that are broken at the factory are crushed and mixed into new kit kats. So, its possible that your kit kat contains part of the first one. Me: when my bar of soap gets small i squish it onto a new bar. I could be washing with the same bar of soap for 10 years.

It’s actually shocking how little meteorologists talk about meteors

Someone asked my 8 yo what he wants to be when he grows up and he said, “A dad” Me: 🥰

My 4 yo: Dad, what happens when you die… Me: uh, well 4 yo:…in Minecraft? Me: Oh thank goodness.

Maybe this is why I hate sleeping. #poetry medium.com/blueinsight/mi…

*10 seconds before grilling was invented* Guy: Cooking would be more fun if I was also getting sunburnt

Here is a poem explaining why I don’t write as much poetry anymore #poetrycommunity #Poem medium.com/literally-lite…

My 5 yo niece: Uncle Empty, why does your watch have a clock on it? Me:…i feel so old…

🎶bleeding isn’t in my blood🎶 Me: The Huntrix team have excellent clotting factors

Diagnosis of a Mole That is Becoming Cancerous #doodle #comic

Go, go King of Gondor!!! #doodle