Whoever is running the salad industry is robbing us blind. Expensive, unsatisfying and generally sad. Ten dollars for a bowl of lettuce should be illegal.

If you want to be a despot but at the countries have been taken just go to a cafe and add bacon to a perfectly wonderful vegetarian meal. Rule with a meaty fist!

Leaf blower on a windy day. Pointless or just joining in with the weather.

Business idea. A chemist but everything is mixed into a giant tub. You can just go in a get a ladel and fill up a bucket with some all in one master ointment and you're sorted for the month.

Hooray for World Fringe Day! So excited to be doing my first Edinburgh Festival Fringe with an hour of stand up all about food!! tinyurl.com/y3vfrse3 World Fringe Day

Matching puffer jackets matching souls.

Change rooms in department stores promise you'll come out different. You're just trying on pants you look crap in. They're private self loathing chambers at best.

ONE WEEK! #EdFringe2019 #edfringe #foodjokes #biscuits #nomnomnom #tasty #friends #creation #sorrynotsorry #swans #bookslam #foods #hagglejaggle #swordlord #corns #echo #badger #scotland #hamandcheeseplease #pingers #dinotears @Justthetonic Edinburgh Festival Fringe tinyurl.com/y3vfrse3

London is mostly rats and pigeons. Humans are just the garnish.

All full English breakfasts lead to full English toilets.

Catching an Uber black to the bus stop encapsulates how most of us are living.

A harpoon is just a sweet keep spear. If it wasn't for these the oceans would be almost full of spears.

True fitness is a long arduous task of commitment and sacrifice. Getting lean takes focus. Food is fuel and medicine. Luckily I'm a world class expert dietitian and life coach. Here's a completely organic meal to get me through Edinburgh Festival Fringe Get along!! tinyurl.com/y3vfrse3

Pool noodles or floaty spaghetti. Both are delicious.

The show so full of jokes some are calling it Intenso! Get in! It's a bloody cracker. #edfringe #edfringe2019 #intenso tinyurl.com/y3vfrse3

Sweet #coffee with the glorious Dee for the wild #edfringe best times with great pals

I leave my Fitbit at home a lot. Just to see how well it tracks existential crisis.

Hello bird friends. Long time no tweet. Show for Melbourne! Only one night! Get in! trybooking.com/BQCZR