God grant you the audacity of a:

❌ white man
✅ small child asking for tv the minute they get home from being dismissed from school for particularly bad behavior

I tried to go to Dutch Bros on Friday morning but line was too long with tired baby in car, I drove off disappointed like a brat.

Finally made it today and the guy in the truck in front of me had paid for my drink 🙈

don’t worry everyone, I have half a PhD 😏

My job on the socialist commune is Childminding While Flatpacking game show contestant

Me: how about I’ll take an Uber so I can read my book *opens book*

Uber driver: “yes retirement has been good to me. Are your parents retired? Oh he’s dead, sorry to hear that. How old are your kids? Wow the Brady bunch “

was looking for a picture of my vanity plate and stumbled across this gem, from literally a couple days after I met Byrne Hobart

It took less than 10 years 🙈