tbt 1991 Her Tall Boots wins a new car playing MacDonalds Monopoly BUT spies this Fairlane and swaps pinkslips with the dude at the next red light BUT that night she overshoots my driveway and crash parks it in my wild wisteria, where she still lives in it

if you thought i was obnoxious before i have my own rainbow now losers

I die every time 🤣

yeah yeah everybody has a podcast now i have like 7

maybe dont give a 21 yr old top national security clearance. he will immediately post it on fortnite, minecraft & 4chan BECAUSE 21 YR OLDS ARE IDIOTS

my funeral is just going to be all tracks i shazammed so everyone can appreciate my great taste in music

christ this is gonna be like when the containment unit was shut off in Ghostbusters

Sound up and watch until the end.. 😂

Not to brag but I’m pretty big on old people Twitter. (Sorry Elon, old people don’t say X) (Sorry if you’re seeing this and didn’t know you were on old people twitter)

Me: Moves to the suburbs after 15 years in the city, but vows to stay young and hip no matter what. Also me:

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

My in laws are visiting and I feel like my mother in law is much too smug for someone who’s son I’m still raising.

Not to be a Halloween Scrooge but I don’t like that everyone uses stencils to carve their pumpkins now. Jack-o-lanterns are supposed to be extremely unimpressive. You should have a vision in your head and then not be able to execute it. That’s what Halloween is all about.

Great, I just realized my daughter stuck this to my jacket this morning and I’ve been walking around like a narc all day

Great visualization of just how poor visibility can get in this #superfog

99 bottles of beer is only 2/3 of a keg anything else magical I can ruin for you

HE'S SUPER FRIENDLY I yell as my big black dog runs full speed toward a group of screaming toddlers

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, "WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT" screamed one scientist

cool hair, cool boots, cool rock collection, crotch hanging out

when you find out I'm Canadian you don't have to tell me how you feel about Rush