It's On MARVELFUQQAHZ!!!! Don't be left out!! Go See It!!!!

I'd like pomegranates more if their insides didn't look like an exploded head.

Currently having a music marathon exclusively featuring Mos Def's discography.

Welcome back, @GameofThrones. May the best House win. #FU

I'll be testing new material at the iO West open mic tonight. If you want to see me potentially bomb on stage, come on out!

Show starts at 6:30pm - one drink min

Another great open mic at iO West - funny comics, great hosting, productive atmosphere. Can't wait to go back

Shout out to Benny Troung for coming out. We gotta get you on stage man!

Happy Birthday @KayTePea!

That moment when it's so hot outside your brain just chimes in out of nowhere like, "why are you wearing underwear?"

Customers display their highest degree of foolishness when you're at your peak hunger rage. #retailreality

He doesn't just forgive us of our sins ya'll. instagram.com/p/moN_7gLSAe/

Partition coming on is like a dog whistle for sluttiness

Ladies. Don't be the girl that says, "Don't tell me to smile" and then wonders why she's single. #justsaying

American history summed up in one picture. instagram.com/p/mvSt7ErSMo/

"I'm sorry. I have to get back to work." - Don Draper

That's the last time I trust the sidewalk to keep a secret. instagram.com/p/m6r5i0rSMw/

Parents be warned: If you give your kids Sixlets or Charleston Chews as Easter candy, they WILL abandon you in a retirement home.