Good evening residents of my Twitterhood, remember, there is safety in numbers, so if u get frightened tonight, start counting. Be safe

The difference between me and my dog. 473 followers. #followers

May have solved water shortage here in CA. Now if they can figure out how to recycle the buckets of sweat coming out of me. #TOODARNEDHOT

Missing the days when we could make a friend laugh til they shot Root beer out of their nose. #GoodOldDays

What does the "20" mean? Driving me crazy wondering. #QOTD

Had MRI today. Wasn't that bad, but I could've done without the loud Star Wars bar music. #MRI #StarWars #BarMusic

Old friends are the best friends. They understand when you wet your pants in front of a tattoo parlor cuz you were laughing too hard. #true

Someone told me when you own your own house you can walk around naked. Tried it at the park, cop didn't care that I owned my own home. #liar

Never wanted 2B an astronaut until I heard you don't age in space and never have to diet #Weightlessness Steve Olivas

Don't you hate it when you spend $30 for dinner then realize you'd rather have a bowl of cereal? #Regrets

I need everyone's help. Take a selfie of you doing the LLAP sign and email the photo to [email protected]

My son's been putting off job hunting. Son: Mom, I'm going to stop procrastinating. I decided I'm going to finish every video game I start.

Daughter taught me true beauty takes time to cultivate; Time ...expensive makeup, hair products & a full closet of clothes #TimelessBeauty

Just pulled Ms. Grouchy Pants on my kid. Now she's laying on the couch staring into space. Wonder what I'll have to buy her now?#XpensvMstak

Hating Time Warner cuz they're so expensive I canceled them, but now I really miss TV. Like breaking up with a crappy BF on A Friday.#NoDate

Doc told me I had stenosis and a Swan Neck deformity. I told him his hair was stupid and his lab coat was dirty. #Exchanging #Insults

I have not done this in forever but it's due #WCW @hasabelle @LINZH0E Regina Phalange 🤷🏻‍♀️🐶 @SatinAndLace64 Laura Ms. Terrie @NuttyCollegeMom

Tomorrow Crawley Comedy Club: Stephen Grant, Mick Ferry, myself, Eshaan Akbar & Steve Shanyaski. goo.gl/2geUDh

#chachithewonderyorkie